The mountain peaks and valleys of marriage expose every man to the strengths and weaknesses of his character. The good times bring out the best in a man: strength, perseverance, vision and leadership. The difficult times bring out the worst in a man: being a loner, laziness, and the difficulty in sharing deep emotion.
The good times of married life are often taken for granted as ‘this is how it should be’ while the difficult times overwhelm us by putting our heads and our hearts into tail spin. It is at those times that some seek marriage separation advice for men. Before we consider the emotional ramifications of separation or divorce we first want to establish the practical nature of such serious actions.
Separation disrupts the entire living situation of a family while providing temporary relief to the husband and wife. The relief comes when the plug of constant stress of relational difficulty is pulled by one of the spouses moving out to find his or her own residence. This move disrupts the rhythm of the family, creating new living patterns and schedules for every family member to deal with. Separation creates space for the man and wife to examine their feelings, consider interpersonal associations and activities with their spouse, and recall the history of the marriage.
Divorce further complicates long established living patterns. The effect upon children of having a mother or father no longer at home, with no prospect of return, rocks their ability to relate in healthy ways toward both parents. Divorce may bring a sense of relief to all parties, including children, and create a new gateway for each family member to move forward. Depending on the reason for the divorce, the gateway may be a new life of blessing or lead to destructible curses.
Marriage separation advice for men highlights the emotional impact on the man, the woman, and the children.
For men, separation can be a springboard to a new beginning, a release from the perceived chains of family life. Simultaneously, separation brings shame, humiliation, and a deep sense of failure. With divorce, all emotions are intensified until special steps are taken to seek genuine healing.
For the woman, separation may bring real or perceived physical and emotional safety. Where abuse has been involved, separation rescues the woman and children from danger. The wife may experience separation as a romance inhibitor or as a chasm she will cross to return to her lover. When divorce occurs, emotions find fresh rawness, perspectives become cloudier and a woman’s ability to love takes a near fatal blow.
As difficult as a separation or divorce is for the husband and the wife, parents need to consider the emotional ramifications on their children. Young children often blame the parent’s dysfunction on themselves. Their inability to reason and discern emotion in adults enables them to adopt unhealthy emotional strategies to cope with the loss of the parent who has moved away, the sense of loss from the other parent who is acting strangely and the overall disruption in family life. Young children will not perceive any benefit during the separation period and certainly not in the case of a divorce. Their hearts and minds will become permanently damaged until steps towards healing and understanding can be taken. This process takes much effort and many years and is carried into their adult lives, relationships, and new family.
Teens suffer similar tragedy, though their ability to reason and tune in to their emotions provides them the opportunity to find some relief. Young adult and adult children who watch their parents’ divorce can minimize the effects on their own lives. Their focus remains on family troubles they experienced when they were younger and a sense of loss of what could have been.
Separation and divorce typically have perceived short term benefits and long term difficulties. In cases where separation leads to a wake-up call for the family concerned, restoration is a real victory. Finding the tools available for healing and the resources that can be used to develop new, healthier relationship strategies are often the results of separation creating a return to family love and normalcy, which is a win-win for everyone.
